Homepage > Projects & Learning > Corners > Romantic Relationships Corner > The Golden Keys To Effective Romantic Relationships
View this article in PDF format

The Golden Keys To Effective Romantic Relationships

By Dr. Joshua David Stone

Table Of Contents

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 1:

Unconditional love. Personality level relationships function on a premise of conditional love. Soul and monadic level romantic relationships strive to be unconditionally loving at all times. From the perspective of the soul and monad, it is never acceptable to attack your partner. It is important to be honest, but this is always done in an unconditionally loving and respectful manner no matter how bad the misbehavior of your partner is. In truth, each person is the eternal Self, and all ideally are related to from this vantage point.

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 2:

The most important relationship in your life is not your relationship to your spouse or partner, your children, the ascended masters or God. The single most important relationship in your life for making your relationships work is your relationship to yourself. If you are wrong with yourself, you will be wrong with God, and your partner. If you are run by your emotional body, your inner child, your negative ego and your subconscious mind, how can you possibly be right with another person.?

In my counseling practice of over 15 years, whenever I would see a couple for relationship counseling, I would see them together only once. Then I would do individual work to get them right with themselves before I would see them together again. In my professional experience, 80% of the problems were cleared up by getting each person into their personal power, self mastery, self love, proper parenting of their inner child and the conscious creating of their own reality. The second most important relationship in your life is your relationship to God. If these two relationships aren’t right, one’s romantic relationship will have problems.

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 3:

Forgiveness. This includes self forgiveness and forgiveness of your partner. Jesus said, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," As A Course In Miracles says, "Forgiveness is the key to happiness." Lack of forgiveness hurts self much more than it hurts others. All that happens in life are lessons, challenges and opportunities to grow. Mistakes can be turned into gold by learning from them!!!

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 4:

Learning to have preferences instead of attachments and addictions in your relationships. Buddha said that all suffering comes from your attachments. A preference is an attitude in which if you don’t get what you seek you are still happy. With attachments and addictions, if you don’t get what you want you lose your happiness and inner peace, and usually get upset and angry. These negative emotions are caused by one’s own faulty attitude.

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 5:

Learning to develop centered, whole relationships and not father/daughter, mother/son relationships. When each one is right with self and right with God, the couple bonds as two self-actualized, independent people. When one is not right with oneself or right with God, one ends up seeking wholeness in another person instead of within one’s own being. There is no judgment in this for we have all done this in past lives and this life. All is forgiven, but as one evolves, one’s romantic relationships needs to change.

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 6:

What may be the most important key of all is communication. Virginia Satir the famous marriage/family counselor, said, "Communication is to a relationship what breathing is to living." It can’t get much clearer than that! Where the lines of communication are not open, the relationship is doomed to failure. When the lines of communication are open, anything can be worked out. People who communicate effectively make mountains into mole hills. People who don’t communicate effectively make mole hills into mountains!

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 7:

The concept of commitment. Being committed is keeping one’s spiritual vows to your partner on all levels. It is also a commitment to communicate when things are bothering you and not “stuffing” things away. Commitment deals with holding up your end of the partnership on all levels. It is a commitment to love and to help your partner, as well as yourself, to become actualized to their highest potential.

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 8:

Letting go of the need to be right. The key question is always, "Do you want harmony, or do you want to be right?" You cannot have both. To need to be right is to be run by the negative ego. Set the example of admitting that you are wrong and have made mistakes. This example will inspire your partner to do the same; and even if it doesn’t, you are doing it for yourself and God anyway. Never forget that God and the ascended masters listen to your every word! This is especially true of high level disciples and initiates.

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 9:

Never to communicate when you are caught up by your negative ego or excessive anger. Make this agreement with your partner. When the negative ego is engaged you are not right with yourself or right with God. In this mode, communication will just end up hurting and scarring your partner. You will end up feeling guilty later for what you said when you were too over-identified with your emotional body. It would be better to go off by yourself and cool down, meditate, and journal.

It is always better to communicate about heavy things in a calm, rational, loving manner. When I started doing this in my relationship, we were able to improve our relationship as much as 80% from this simple insight. Usually when we would come back and communicate after cooling down, we would resolve things in short order. We would both set a spiritual example upon resuming communication, for we would both realize that we were off center, and this would inspire both of us to be as Christ-like as possible.

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 10:

Dealing with anger. Anger is ego, and don’t be deluded into thinking it isn’t. When your buttons get pushed and anger arises, it can be dealt with in your relationship in one of two ways. One is intra-psychically and one is extra-psychically. The intra-psychic method is to resolve the issue in your mind, or journal, and/or do attitudinal healing work. Catharsis on occasion may be appropriate also.

The extra-psychic method is to express and communicate your feelings to your partner, but this must be done in a loving way. There is no such thing as righteous anger. The negative ego will tell you there is, but there is not. The true definition of anger is that it is "a loss of control and an attempt to regain it.” Negative anger is transformed into positive anger by using it as an energy source channeled in the proper directions. Tough love and being a spiritual warrior is an example of this. Energy is transformed in a positive direction.

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 11:

Primary communication versus secondary communication. Primary communication is where you communicate from a state of absolute egolessness. Secondary communication, which is also an essential tool to have at your disposal, is to communicate your negative emotions (which are triggered by the negative ego) in a loving way. We all have to use this secondary communication method at times, for no one on this planet is clear all the time. The third form of communication, which is the wrong one, is to take out your negative emotions on another person. If you find yourself doing this, major work on yourself is needed.

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 12:

Never to argue. Arguing is a manifestation of the negative ego and should be stopped the second it starts. It is much more important in life to maintain oneness and love. The proverb I am making up here is "Do you want to argue or do you want oneness?

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 13:

Understanding the difference between spiritual discernment, observations, judgments and criticism. It is never appropriate to judge or criticize your partner, or anyone else for that matter. It is fine and necessary to have observations and spiritual discernments. The difference is that the one is loving and the other isn’t. The guidance to not be judgmental does not mean that you are not allowed to think or see things. But the key here is that just because you have an observation or spiritual discernment about your partner doesn’t mean that it is appropriate to share it.

One of the most important keys in a relationship is to know there is a time to talk and a time to be silent. You are not your partner’s guru or spiritual teacher. It is much more important for you to be concerned with learning your own lessons instead of being so concerned with your partner’s lessons. When it is appropriate to share some feedback with your partner, you can say something like, " Honey, I have an observation and spiritual discernment I would like to share with you if you are open to hearing it.” If they don’t want to hear it then keep your mouth shut.

It was a big relief to me when I realized that I didn’t have to be my wife’s teacher. Being a psychologist and spiritual teacher, I see a great many things, but I don’t need to share everything. When it is appropriate to share, say it once and then let go of it. We all know that nagging and harping on something do not work.

Table Of Contents Golden Key Number 14:

The principle of timing. The inner child wants to express everything instantly. For it wants instant gratification and instant release. This is not always the best move and can lead to disastrous consequences. Every communication should be expressed in the proper "Tao" or moment. The same communication expressed in the same way can produce positive or negative results depending upon whether the proper timing was taken into consideration.